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Andy

Senior Member
September Joke Thread
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.
 

cassıe

cassıe
September Joke Thread
Teacher asks her class to compose a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.

She asks little Tommy to read out his sentence. Tommy says:

"I have a duffle coat at home with 9 toggles on it but I can only fascinate".

:25:
 

zozatky

Member
September Joke Thread
How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started... :77wu::77wu::roundgrin:D:hehe:

******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
 

Sailor

Member
September Joke Thread
The wife wanted to go somewhere expensive to eat,
so I took her to the airport for a cup of coffee and a sandwich....
 

zuberdust

IM THE BESTEST :)
September Joke Thread
a lonely old man walked by a cool young girl in the street, she banged into him! he said "oh no you didnt!!!"......... she turned around and said "oh yes i did!!!"........
 

ted j

Member
September Joke Thread
It's the middle of summer, Two chelsea pensioners Frank and Joe, are sitting on a park bench when a scantily clad gorgeous young girl walks by. Frank turns to Joe and says"Remember that stuff they used to put in our tea during the great war, to stop us wanting women at night?,I think it's beginning to work"
 

Talkinman

Member
September Joke Thread
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, and then throws the milk away...

AMERICAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and
block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for
100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and
open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge
the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

INDIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CAPITALISM Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and
invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy...

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You invite 200 mates over for a barbie.

MacQUARIE BANK CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows and a management fee stream for six cows. The milk rights of the seven cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all eight cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns nine cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with ten cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons
 
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zurna

Member
September Joke Thread
man asks to God "I heard a lot of things about heaven and hell please can you tell me what are they?"

God says "heaven is American salary, English house, Turksih foods, Russian wife"

and man " than what is hell?? "

God " American foods, English wife, Turkish house, Russian salary"
 

zuberdust

IM THE BESTEST :)
September Joke Thread
i like jokes which r soooo stupid they make me laf cos they aint even funny heheeh
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
September Joke Thread
THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and thisthing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
 

LeylanTiger

Member
September Joke Thread
Scouse Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong, or smart enough to steal one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Newcastle, parts of Bradford, Huddersfield, and anywhere in Scotland & Wales!



:95im:
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
September Joke Thread
Mrs.Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'




She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'



The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'



She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'



She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.



Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'



She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'



The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'



She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'



The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'



She replied,'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
September Joke Thread
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, No... Salty.

Mum fainted.
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
September Joke Thread
:

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.



They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.



After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.



She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.



Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried Deirdre.
 
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