October joke thread

[Yalides]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties
& local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered
a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer'
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of
Beer and then simply ask him
home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several Beers
men will often succumb
to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom
they would never normally be attracted to, after drinking Beer.
Men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that 'something bad'
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship’ In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting
male into a longer-term form of servitude an d punishment
referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex
is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer scam and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where you
can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'
in the phone book.

Regards

 

[ceemac]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


C

 

[Yalides]

here is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[Yalides]

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs'on
And fetch another beer.

 

[Yalides]

Heart Surgeon's Funeral


One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
Gynaecologist ........"

 

[Turkishcap]

I was in a hurray to get to work the other day and was not paying too much attention to my bathroom cabinet, basically I mixed up my toothpaste with my pile cream, on the plus side I now have a very clean bottom, on the negative side I have shrunk my gums.

 

[Yalides]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

 

[ceemac]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.


"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

C

 

[easylife]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

 

[Yalides]

After 40 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when
the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just
over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side
and then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

 

[Yalides]

A Pleasant Little Tale.

Ahmed Ranjit Oluwalu lands at Heathrow on a jumbo jet from foreign lands with his wife and six children and talks his way past the immigration officer with a sorry, contrived tale of woe, misery and persecution.

He's sitting in the hall wondering how he's going to get by when he feels a light tug at the leg of his pyjamas and looks down to see a tiny man with large ears and a pointy hat.

"Who are you?" says Ahmed.

The little man replies "I'm the immigration fairy".
"As the one thousandth sorry case to blag his way into the U.K. today I can grant you three wishes."

Ahmed can't believe his luck but ponders on his choices for a moment and says "OK", "First of all I'd like to be wealthy beyond anything I could have made
back in my homeland."

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

Ahmed finds he has a state benefits book in his hands. Ahmed goes on to say "Thank you kind fairy".

"Now I'd like to live for free in a wonderful home grander than anything I could have built out of mud back home".

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done."

Ahmed finds he's holding the keys to a five bedroomed council house in Bradford.

Ahmed can't believe his luck but thinks his next choice will be the clincher to beat his wildest fantasies.
"Fairy," he says "I want to fit in and be treated like I've lived here all my life".
"Make me an Englishman."

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

Ahmed finds he's white skinned, blonde haired and dressed in a pinstripe suit, with an umbrella and a briefcase.
But the house keys and his benefit book have disappeared.
Dismayed he asks the fairy "What happened to my other wonderful gifts?"

The fairy replies "Well, Sunshine". "If you want to live like a white Englishman in the U.K."
''Then you're entitled to F*** All."

 

[val2661]

Priorities change for Pensioners

The other day, Harry a 70 year old pensioner, came home and was greeted by his wife dressed only in very revealing underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, Harry tied his wife up and went golfing.

Val

 

[ted j]

Murphy and o'Leary are Bodrum bound (with Thomas Cook) , and the captain announces "Ladies and Gentlemen we are very sorry, but we've just lost engine number one, so we will be landing in Bodrum approximateley 2 hours late" 15 minutes later, the captain informs the passengers that they have lost no3 engine, and they will now be 4 hours late. 3/4 of an hour later, the captain informs everyone that they have lost no2 engine, but not to be worried as the plane can still fly well with just the one engine, but they would now be 8 hours late.o'Leary turns to Murphy and says " It's to be hoped they don't lose that last engine, otherwise we''ll be up here all freakin night"

 

[gerald]

Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute?..

One's on a contract and the other is pay as you go..

 

[zozatky]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said , "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

 

[zozatky]

Subject: Howzat!


A woman walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road," she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg."

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the woman, "He was an English Cricketer."

"That's very observant," said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long.":77wu::77wu::77wu:

 

[zozatky]

Italian Cork Soakers

 

[Yalides]

After 40 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when
the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just
over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side
and then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

 

[Sunny Seasider]

THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mommy, Mommy -- Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on." The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband...rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten B**ch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!




Today's lesson

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted !


Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[Neil_Denizli]

It's a little known fact, but Dr Livingstone once lost his c**k in a fight with a very vicious monkey somewhere near Lake Tanzania. Fortunately, Stanley was close by and took him to the nearest villlage where a skilled tribal doctor conducted one of the earliest recorded penile transplants. Unfortunately, no human members were available. The closest resembling organ available was a baby elephant's trunk.

On his return to England, Dr Livingstone was invited to dine with her majesty Queen Victoria. Half-way through the meal, Livingstone's 'trunk' snuck out of his trousers, wriggled onto the table and took a big, juicy apple.

'What was that?' asked the Queen.

Livingston explained the whole story of how he had lost his member and had a baby elephant's trunk reattached.

'Fessyneyting', said Queen Vic. 'Please do it again.'

'Ma'am', said Livingstone. 'My c**k can certainly do it again, but I don't think my arse could take another apple.'