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mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
On Tesco's Tannoy: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a husband down.'




A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.

The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their
trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're reduced only £5 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife,
And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £10 jar
Of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
Wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella and
it's half the price.'


They will know in the next 48 hours if he will regain the use of his lower limbs :sick:
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
He was eight foot tall and asked the Madam if she had a girl his height.
No she replied. In fact, the only two girls available are about four foot tall.
That,s OK he said, I,ll screw them together.
 

jenifer

Member
November Joke Thread
Two stuffy retired British Army officers are in their club having tiffin. Davis says to Jones "I see they have found Smythe". Jones replys" Smythe? Smythe? Ah Smythe! the officer who was lost in the jungle 25 years ago".
"Yes thats the chappy, he's been living with an Orang-Utan all of this time".
"OH" says Jones. "male or female"?
Davis replys " female of coarse, there is nothing wrong with Smythe".

Ron
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
Stuffy retired British Army officer visits his GP complaining of large red swellings on his Jon Tomas
Hmm ses the Doc, havnt seen a case like this since Poona in "36"

I say ses the Colonel, what the hell is it?

Have you heard of cauliflower ears?ses the Doc

I have, ses the Colonel, do you mean to say ive got Cauliflower willy?

No no, ses the Doc, you've got brothel sprouts!
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
A blind man went into a department store, picked up his dog by the tail and began swinging him around.
A sales clerk came over and said can I be of assistance ?
No said the blind man, I,m just looking around.
 

jenifer

Member
November Joke Thread
Mollag and Yalides,
Please stop posting jokes! as I have only two pairs of clean underpants left.:77wu:

Ron
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
I,ve got a gastric problem Doc.
Do you use your bowels regularly ?
Yes, every morning at eight o clock.
Well, whats your problem ?
I don,t get up till nine.
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
Colonel goes back to the Doc,
Its a tad embarising Doc but im breaking wind!
We all do that ses the Doc
Not thru the end of your willy though, ses the colonel
Now, ses the Doc, that is unusual, gis a look.
After the demo the Doc ses, well ive never seen anything like it, does it give you any problems?
Not me ses the Colonel, but it dont half put the wind up the Memsahib!
 

LeylanTiger

Member
November Joke Thread
Santa to his Elf,im getting sick of this,every year i have to put on this red outfit,do all the work myself,looking like a right pillock and end up with nothing..

Elf to santa,now you know how steven gerrard feels!!
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
Jack was hurrying to get dressed and looking forward to taking a girl from work out for the first time. His braces had broken. He couldn,t find a belt so he grabbed a pair of jump leads from the garage where he worked to keep his trousers up.
His date looked at him curiously.
Well said Jack my braces broke.
That,s OK replied his date, just don,t try and start anything.
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
Liverpool police are investigating the death of an ice cream van driver, he was found in the back, no signs of violence but he was covered with nuts, chocolate crumbs and 100's & 1000'
They are convinced he was topped!
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
A dejected used car salesman was was sitting in the corner of his local drowning his sorrows.
Whats up ? asked the local harlot.
Things aren,t going too well. If I don,t sell more cars I,ll lose my arse. he said.
I know how you feel said the harlot, if I don,t sell more arse I,ll lose my car.
 

ted j

Member
November Joke Thread
Retired army colonel , in his bath, rings for his butler, Widdle. "I'm feeling a little extravagent today Widdle my good man, fetch me one of my finest havana cigars and a decanter of my best port". Widdle brings him the cigar and port and just as he is about to leave, the colonel farts in the bath. Widdle returns with a hot water bottle. The colonel says "what's this Widdle?". Widdle replies "sorry sir, but as I was going out just now, I could have sworn you said WATABATAWATERBOTTLEWIDDLE"
 

mallin

mal mc cullough
November Joke Thread
a woman has just looked through the window as i was self pleasuring.that was bad enough but she walked right up to the glass and mouthed.get out of my effing garden
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
Wise words indeed!​

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

My favorite pick up line? "do you think this cloth smells of chloroform?"

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one person enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 

jenifer

Member
November Joke Thread
After a traumatic Sunday i cheered myself up by renting a porno dvd.
The lady star of the movie only groaned and moaned.
When i got back home i asked my wife if she could groan and moan in bed.
We went to bed and the groaning and moaning started.
Ooh, oOh, OOh, OOH, " This bloody ceiling need painting, you forgot my birthday 25 years ago, you haven't fed the cat ----------------------

Ron
 
November Joke Thread
ian paisley was looking to improve his public image. he decides to make a contribution to one of his local hospitals, but which one he,s not sure, so he makes plans to give each hospital a visit.
the first two hospitals were pretty ordinary but the third hospital he came to seemed to fit the bill perfectly - at the end of 27 of the beds was a large letter P. 5 of the beds had the letters RC. ian paisley happily made out a large cheque that was handed over to a very surprised nurse.
as ian paisley left the building the nurse carried on with her duties. "right she said, thats 27 for porridge and 5 for rice crispies".........
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
November Joke Thread
If Tommy Cooper were alive today
I took my goldgish back to the pet shop, I told him "this fish has asthma", It looks ok to me he said, I hav'nt taken it out of bowl yet ses me


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I said to the librarian" can I have this book, its called How to commit suicide?"

"No you bloody cant" she said!

"Why not" ses me?

"Cos you wont bring the bugger back" she replied
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a ! ! Tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me! ! I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to! ! The local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
November Joke Thread
Green fungus was growing all over his balls and he anxiously rushed to hospital to remedy the problem.
A specimen was taken and investigated by the hospital.
Finally the report came back.
You,ve heard of cauliflower ears ? said the doctor.
Well you,ve got brothel sprouts.
 
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