ceemac

Shake It Baby...
May Joke Thread
Here's one peterncintosh and a few other Scots will understand heheh

Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'


C
 

Abo

Abo
May Joke Thread
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don 't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.
 

Andy

Senior Member
May Joke Thread
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
May Joke Thread
Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be out done, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?'

'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the third grade.'



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hairdryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face,Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead."
 

bodhorn

Member
May Joke Thread
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord." A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
 

Andy

Senior Member
May Joke Thread
Subject: Lizard 101

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my, gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma" (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but the boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, “he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um, masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just ... Just. ...Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. .teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
 

bodhorn

Member
May Joke Thread
The Cowboy!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher 's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..





Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 

Andy

Senior Member
May Joke Thread
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."
 

ken

Member
May Joke Thread
Peter invites his mum for tea. She notices that his flat mate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp and although she suspected Peter was gay, he denies that anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates.
A week later Joe says to Peter, "ever since your mam came to tea, I can't find the frying pan."
Peter e mails his mum and says. "Dear Mum, I'm not saying you DID take the frying pan and i'm not saying that you DID NOT take the frying pan, but it's been missing ever since you came to tea. Love Peter."
His mum replies. "Dear Son, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe and i'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now. Love Mum."
 

giglets

Member
May Joke Thread
Great posts!
Thanks for keeping the lop-sided smile on my face a while longer, folks!!!
 

giglets

Member
May Joke Thread
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings most likely.

Q: What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
A: Men miss them all.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo Machine

:77wu::77wu::77wu:
 

steve & sue

Member
May Joke Thread
This is just Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!



It has just hit the news that Hull have been charged with fielding an unregistered player at the end of January ‘09.

Apparently when they signed Kamil Zayatte from Young Boys for £2.5M on 23 January this year, there had been some irregularities with the transfer and he was not formerly registered when Hull drew 2-2 with West Brom. West Brom have been awarded 3 points for that game instead of 1 but it has made no difference to them, they are still relegated.



However Hull have been stripped of their point, which puts them on the same points as Newcastle but with a poorer goal difference.

Newcastle have complained immediately and if our claim is upheld, Hull will be relegated retrospectively and the Toon will stay up!











Carlsberg don’t do e-mails for delusional Geordies but if they did they would probably be the best e-mails in the world!
 
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KandJ

Member
May Joke Thread
An Asian lady was trying to exchange yen for pounds at the bank. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Yesterday, I get two hunat poun fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
 

KandJ

Member
May Joke Thread
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

12. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

15. A backward poet writes inverse.

16. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 

ken

Member
May Joke Thread
FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and would never lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who's good in bed and likes being with you.



5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other.
 

Andy

Senior Member
May Joke Thread
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.


Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
 

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