March Jokes '17

[Derek Payne]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel
a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

 

[Derek Payne]

HAPPY ST. DAVID'S DAY.

I've just become an I.T. Technician in Cardiff and I've learned one thing...

'*

Never tell a Welshman he needs more RAM.

 

[IbrahimAbi]

HAPPY ST. DAVID'S DAY.

I've just become an I.T. Technician in Cardiff and I've learned one thing...

'*

Never tell a Welshman he needs more RAM.

I'd have thought by the end of the day you will be feeling a little sheepish

 

[Akasya]

First of March , Metereological spring , guffaw.

Steve

 

[mollag]

First of March , Metereological spring , guffaw.

Steve

I hope it goes better than that Arab spring, that was a serious fail.

 

[Derek Payne]

To Spice up our Sex Life, my Wife said she would Dress Up as my favourite Star Wars character.

After walking into the Bedroom and seeing her I said, "Hey Bitch. Jabba the Hut is NOT my favourite character..!"

She replied "F*ck Off, you cheeky bastard, I haven't gotten changed yet."

I'm in Cardiff A&E now, but the Doc says I should be out by the weekend.

 

[Kanga]

I'd have thought by the end of the day you will be feeling a little sheepish

or guilty of woolly thinking?

 

[Yalides]

Alice dies, aged 98, having attended church in Bolton every Sunday of her life. Her husband, Joe, asks the stonemason for a headstone with the words: 'Lord, she was thine'. The stonemason writes: 'Lord she was thin'. Joe says: '"You've missed off the e, you'll have to do it again." Weeks later Joe goes to see the stone on the grave, and it now reads: 'Ee Lord she was thin'.

 

[Yalides]

A general inspecting troops in Hampshire ordered the parade to don gas masks. He paused opposite a northern soldier. Pointing to the eyepiece of his respirator, he inquired: "Soldier, where is your anti-mist?". "Don't know, Sir" came the reply " Think she's oop with Uncle Albert in Oldham".

 

[Derek Payne]

I ran twice today.

First I ran out of beer.

Then I ran to the shop to get more.

 

[Kanga]

A woman was at the till in the local supermarket. After the cashier has run up the total the woman bends over her trolley to reach her handbag, and lets out a loud trump. she stands up abruptly and stares at the cashier who is doubled up laughing.
'Stop that!' blurts out the woman.
'OK' says the assistant, 'which way did it go?'

 

[Derek Payne]

All Medicines have Two Names.

A Trade Name and Generic Name.

Example, the Trade Name is Tylenol and it's Generic Name is Acetaminophen..

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The BMA has been looking for a Generic Name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a Team of Government Experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the Generic Name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

[Derek Payne]

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back..??

And I replied, "Yes, why, who did you think it was"..??

 

[mollag]

I'm not a big user of double entendre's,
But I do like to slip one in now and then.........

 

[Yalides]

"What's it to be?" asks the Barmaid!
"Th th th thr thr three pi pi pi pi ..." says the Englishman. Up steps the Scotsman.
"Th th th th thr three pi pi pi pi ..."
Next up is the Irishman.
"Th th thr three pi pi pi pints of Gu gui, gui.."

Bugger this thinks the Barmaid & walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later & asks if they're ready to order yet.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi.." Englishman.
"Th th three pi pi pi pi pi.." Scotsman.
"Th th th th th three pi pi pints Gu gui gui.." says the Irishman.

"Look" says the barmaid, "If anyone of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll take you upstairs & show you a good time!"

Englishman: "Man Man Man Man Man Manch.."
Barmaid: "No you lose!"
Scotsman: "E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edi Edin.."
Barmaid: "No you lose!"
Barmaid to the Irishman: "And where do you live?"
Irishman: "London!"

"Bugger" says the Barmaid as a cheer goes around the Pub. She takes him by the hand & leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom, they both strip & the Irishman jumps on the bed & goes for glory for about five minutes!

Then, right at the climax he screams out!

" .... D D D D D D D D D D D D Derry!"

 

[Yalides]

Q: how do you know toothpaste was invented in Liverpool?
A: anyplace else it would have been teethpaste.

 

[Yalides]

Q: What did the snail say when hitching a ride on the turtle?
A: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!

 

[Derek Payne]

My Wife said she's leaving me because I'm Overweight and Effeminate.

*
*

That's bloody cheeky of her, since the Start of the Year. I've gone Down 2 Dress Sizes......

 

[Derek Payne]

Guy walked into the Doctors Surgery with a Golf Ball wedged firmly up his Rectum.

The Doctor examined him and said "Its up a Fair Way"..

The Guy said "FFS. Doc, Don't You Start"..

 

[IbrahimAbi]

Guy walked into the Doctors Surgery with a Golf Ball wedged firmly up his Rectum.

The Doctor examined him and said "Its up a Fair Way"..

The Guy said "FFS. Doc, Don't You Start"..

Fair comment but it described the situation to a tee