June Joke Thread

[gerald]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"

 

[gerald]

A professor at the University of Cardiff was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Colin Jones raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big Welsh student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Colin, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Colin replied, "Ohhhh! Sorry,From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

 

[zuberdust]

a yellow duck swims out his pond and makes his way to the local shop.... he ask the owner, "do you have a bag of chips for a pound"? owner says "no sorry i dont.."....... so the yellow duck swims back to his pond. The next day, the yellow duck is hungery and swims over to the shop again and asks "so.. do you have a back of chips?".... the owner says "sorry this is a newsagents, i dont sell chips".... the yellow duck returns to his pond.... so the following day, the duck goes back to the shop and asks "do you have a bag of chips?"..... the owner now annoyed says "look! if you ask me for a bag of chips again, ill nail your beak to the floor!!!", the yellow duck runs out.... so the next day, the yellow duck goes back to the shop and asks "do you have a box of nails?".. the shopkeeeper says "no".... so then he asks.. "do you have a bag of chips?".....

HEHEHEHEHE I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS JOKE!

 

[ken]

Husband sitting reading the paper when his wife hits him across the head. "What's that for" he said. She say's "I've found a piece of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen written on it".
Quick as a flash he say's "That's the name of the horse I backed at the races last week", which she accepted.
A week later she whacks him over the head with a frying pan. He say's "What the hell was that for?"
She say's "Your horse phoned"

 

[KandJ]

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his bloody widow."

 

[Andy]

Church Requirements


A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

 

[EVELYNNE]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he
knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

YOU'LL LOVE THIS....

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The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it onto my face, thanks.'

 

[gerald]

Memo to Gordon Brown...

Dear Gordon,

If you want a cabinet that won't fall apart, I suggest Ikea

Regards
David Cameron

 

[ken]

Two men at the airport.

First man says, "I can't find my wife".

Second man says, "I can't find my wife either". "What's yours look like?"

First man says, "She's 6ft tall, long wavy blonde hair, long legs, stockings, high heels, mini skirt and a boob tube, oh and she's a 38DD". "What's yours look like?"

Second man says, "Sod her, let's look for yours".

 

[Andy]

Dead Worms.


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

 

[gerald]

I read today that beer contains female hormones. They might be right cos after a dozen or so pints I talk gibberish and cant drive properly!

 

[Sunny Seasider]

I've just received this from a TLF friend and wanted to share hehe.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a
spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He
grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps
with Mushy Bees

 

[gerald]

How cool were you at school?:moonie: Take the test here

 

[gerald]

Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.



All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!", he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!". He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


The Irishman was puzzled and asked the other Indian, "Is your friend crazy, or what?". The Indian replied, "No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!", into the opening.". If they get answer back, it mean there's a squaw in there waiting for us.".


Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!". Immediately, there was the answering, "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!", from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man!, Look at the size of this cave!, It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!". He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Whooooo!, Whooooo!, Whooooo!". Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WHOOOOOOOOO!, WHOOOOOOOOO!, WHOOOOOOOOO!". With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[littledave]

how do you stop a woman performing oral sex on you............MARRY HER!!!!

 

[Peregrine]

oops

 

[Andy]

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the
lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely, The Dog

 

[gerald]

I saw my mate the other day-he's only got one arm. "where you off to?" i shouted, "to change a light bulb" he said. that's going to be awkward isn't it, do you need some help?" no.... he said, "I've still got the receipt"!!!

 

[gerald]

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine..both were rushed to hospital...one's in a korma... the other has got a dodgy tikka

 

[gerald]

apples and wine
Apparently,
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp all over them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.