A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night:
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing.
"You are the reason I fight with my wife."
He smashed the second bottle.
"You are the reason I don’t love my children."
He smashed the third bottle.
"You are the reason I don’t have a decent job."
When he took the fourth bottle, he realised that the bottle was still sealed and was full.
He hesitated for only a moment and said
"You stand aside, I know you were not involved."
I sat there with a smile on my face as my wife wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it.
An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands,
so I eventually laughed out:
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.." "Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!" The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play. "My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32." The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother was past surprised. She was shocked. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!" "Really?" the mother asked. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."