Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
July Joke Thread
The Importance of Walking

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
 

Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
July Joke Thread
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me;stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, th e man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:0 0 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 

Alan Fidler

Ceteris paribus
July Joke Thread
James bond is sitting at a bar and keeps looking at his watch....

A busty blonde asks him " Is you date late..? "

Bond replies "No, this watch gives me information about anyone sitting near me.

For example it tells me that you have no knickers on.."

"Ah ..! " says the blonde, " I do have knickers on.."

"bugger !" says Bond.. "Damn things an hour fast again.. ! "
 

Andy

Senior Member
July Joke Thread
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
 

Andy

Senior Member
July Joke Thread
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
 

Gin&Tonic

Member
July Joke Thread
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
 

jcrian

Member
July Joke Thread
Feeling Unappreciated Lately ?



Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am; regardless of their medical condition. ?This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from Greenpeace onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad ?Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better, Are We?
 

Andy

Senior Member
July Joke Thread
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.




Now if that hasn't cheered you up nothing will. Enjoy your day
 

Harem

I've cliqued
July Joke Thread
Ode to Old Age

My days of youth are over, my torch of life runs out
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout
It used to be amusing, the way it would behave
As early every morning, it stood and watched me shave.
Time was, when of it's own accord
Would from my trousers spring
But now I have a full time job to find the b****y thing!!
But as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang it's withered head
And watch me clean my shoes.
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
New keyboard for those in a rush:

attachment.php
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
Water babies:


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcVllWpwGs]YouTube - Evian Roller Babies international version[/ame]
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
The husband


A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door"!!!!
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said,

"Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems.

I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor.

"I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor,

"how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied,





"We're the Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
:95im:
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
Bad News
Nathan goes to see his doctor.

After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says,

"I've some bad news for you, Nathan.

You have an incurable cancer.

I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."

Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office.

His son Max is waiting for him.

"Max," says Nathan,

"we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good.

In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks."

4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad.

Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.

Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death.

I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

His club mates are shocked.

They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave.

Max then says,

"Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."

Nathan replies,


"I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
 

gerald

Member
July Joke Thread
scouse joke

Three men, a Scouser, a Mancunian and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Mancunian wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"

"Probably", said the Mancunian, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances!!!!!"
 

pebble

Member
July Joke Thread
The Bus Ride





Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,

charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana .

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,

and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time, when one of them realized she

hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top,

she found all the Blondes in fear,

staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of

them with white knuckles.


The brunette asked,

'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her,

swallowed hard and whispered...

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!
 

JEANNIE

Going to get Thinner
July Joke Thread
1,000 Dundonions were asked what they thought of the euro. 99.9% said that they were quite happy with their Giro thank you!!!!



Jeannie
 

Alan Fidler

Ceteris paribus
July Joke Thread
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?"
. He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from.
He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??" The parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
 

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