Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Lets carry on where we left off.......
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread
> >
> > A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> > 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
> > The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
> > 'OK' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
> > The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
> > 'Oh, sh*t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
> > WHACK!!
> > He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
> > She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
> > 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*,,ing Coco Pops'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
 

gerald

Member
January joke thread
Daddy Test'...
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Daddy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All dads know this stuff. It's on the Daddy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a daddy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the mummy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need Water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."
 

Abo

Abo
January joke thread
The Pay Raise

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread
The NHS




HOW IS NORMA? ..........


A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a
Patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I Check with
The nurse's station for that room.."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone

And said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and

Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God
Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"



The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. I get told
F.... All
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full
beard."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hand "Actually, no," the man replies.


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to ask.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."

***********************************************************************************
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread
GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'

So our leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha' lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kulls him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow'r a cliff, kulling a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss''.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
Hi Mum, How are you ?"
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at B&Qs Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread


It’s a slow day in a little Yorkshire town.. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.. On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town.

He stops at the hotel and lays a 50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 50 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 50 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the 50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the 50 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the 50 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United Kigdom Government is conducting business today.
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread





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HIJACK AN AIRLINER

and win

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< B>And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.


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'ASYLUM'

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
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buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.


No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:

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A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.


If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience

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So play today.


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bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...

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Everyone's a winner, when they play

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Stumpel

Member
January joke thread


It’s a slow day in a little Yorkshire town.. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.. On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town.

He stops at the hotel and lays a 50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 50 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 50 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the 50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the 50 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the 50 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United Kigdom Government is conducting business today.



Why is this a nice story, but utterly nonsense?
Well, actually everybody in town had a debt of GBP 50,00 against a claim of GBP 50,00! So the balance was zero.
Running around with the GBP 50,00 note was a time consuming way to compensate the debt with the claim.

Should I have made this observation, or was that clear to all of you? If yes, then I feel stupid!
 

Smiler

Member
January joke thread
Why is this a nice story, but utterly nonsense?
Well, actually everybody in town had a debt of GBP 50,00 against a claim of GBP 50,00! So the balance was zero.
Running around with the GBP 50,00 note was a time consuming way to compensate the debt with the claim.

Should I have made this observation, or was that clear to all of you? If yes, then I feel stupid!

Whooosh!!! :deadhorse
 
Last edited:

zozatky

Member
January joke thread
Subject: My trip to the fair
My wife and I went to the local fair and one of the
First exhibits we stopped at was the breeding
Bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was
a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED
50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled
and said, 'He mated 50 times last
year.'
we
walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,
''THIS
BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST
YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more
than twice a week! ..........You could learn a
lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL
MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'






My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY
learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same old cow every time.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
 

zozatky

Member
January joke thread
> >
> > The Bathtub Test
> >
> > During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked
> > the director how do
> > You determine whether or not a patient
> > should be institutionalized.
> >
> > "Well," said the director, "we fill up a
> > bathtub, then we offer a
> > teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
> > patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
> >
> > "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person
> > would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
> >
> > "No." said the director, "A normal person
> > would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
January joke thread
Three blokes are on a camping holiday but there is a hole in it and it's pissing it down. So they decided to go to a hotel but there's only one room free with one bed. They decide to go for it anyway.
In the middle of the night all three of them woke up at the same time. The man on the left said "I've just had a dream that I got a handjob." The man on the right said "Thats strange I dreamt the same thing." The man in the middle said "I dreamt I was skiing."
 

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