merpip

Happy Member
Jan Jokes '22.
A Texas Rancher caught his boy masturbating behind the barn. He said. "Son, I think it is time for you to ‘have’ a woman."
The boy blinked. "What do you mean, Pa?"
The Rancher said. "You know, like a stallion ‘has’ a mare, like a bull ‘has’ a heifer."
"Oh, that." The boy said. "But I don’t know how to go about it."
"Well, there’s a woman in town that will show you all about it for $5."
The boy said. "Really? How do I find one?"
"OK, I’ll give you $5, you ride the mule to town, look for a red light, go to the door and tell the lady you need a woman and show your $5 bill."

So the boy headed to town, but what the Rancher didn’t know was they had installed a traffic light in town. When the boy saw the red traffic light he thought he was in the right place.
He walked up to the door of a beauty parlor, said he needed a woman and showed his $5 bill.
Well, business was a little slow and the gal decided she could use the money and invited him in.
Of course the boy lasted about three-seconds.
The gal felt bad about taking his $5 for three-seconds worth of pleasure so she gave him a manicure to boot.
A few weeks later the boy was back in town on an errand and the gal saw him. She hollered out. "Yoo Hoo." And waved.
He took off in the other direction.
She later ran into him at the feed store and asked. "Why did you run a while ago? Don’t you remember me?"
"Hell yes I remember you. You’re the ol’ gal that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch them!"
 
Jan Jokes '22.
When a Fire Alarm goes off at 4am at a Hotel near Gatwick Airport.


The Police and Emergency Services have No Problem with me, standing Outside, dressed in Only my Underpants.


Yet when I'm stood in the Grounds of the Women's Refuge, near Caerphilly in similar attire,

*


Eight Cops, 3 Police Cars Flashing with Blues & Twos turn up, along with Three Snarling Police Dogs, from the Canine Unit, all going absolutely frigging Mental.
 

merpip

Happy Member
Jan Jokes '22.
During the Christmas holiday season I was determined not to gain weight, so I promised myself I would not visit my favourite bakery-cafe for a whole month. I even altered my drive to work to avoid passing the spot:
However, one day there was a traffic jam and I forgot and accidentally drove by the bakery.
There in the window I saw the yummy pastries I loved.
Since nothing happens by accident, I prayed as I slowed down. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good...
 
Jan Jokes '22.
My first Anger Management Class didn't go too well today.


Cos I put the Group Therapist in hospital's A&E for interrupting me.
 
Jan Jokes '22.
271261207_209215878092526_2314085093275748002_n.jpg

Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When football team families wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V gave only two channels to chose.

Back in the days of three penny bits,

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.

When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,

when children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.

When Doctors made house calls; Police walked the beat.

Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

and your annual break was a day by the sea.

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could freely wear National Health glasses,

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes

Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.

Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs.
 
Jan Jokes '22.
"Bono visits an Irish Homeless Centre amid growing concern over Crisis".

Things must be bad in Dublin, if someone on his salary can't afford to Rent.
 

Jaycey

African Refugee
Jan Jokes '22.
A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers. He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?"
"Actually sir, there is one thing..." said the soldier. "I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."
 

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