Jan Jokes '21.

[IbrahimAbi]

Another Tommy C


'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

BREAKING "LOCKDOWN" NEWS...!

NEW SNOW RESTRICTIONS.

5 Rules that must to be followed while out in the SNOW.

• All Snowballs must be Sanitised before being thrown at anyone.

• There can not be more than 1 Person on a Snow Sledge at one time.

•Snowball fights must be kept to a minimum of 2 people which have to be from the same Household.

• All Snowmen made must be wearing a Mask at all times.

• Snow play is limited to once a day for 15mins and no fun it to be had at anytime.

 

[Derek Payne]

In light of the rising frequency of Human - Grizzly Bear conflicts,

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising Hikers, Hunters, and Fishermen to take extra Precautions and keep Alert of Large Bears whilst out in the Field.

They advise that Outdoors Men wear noisy Little Bells on their Clothing so as not to Startle the Bears that aren't expecting them.

They also advise Outdoors Men to carry "Pepper Spray" with them in case of an encounter with a Bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of Bear Activity.

Outdoors Men should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear Dung..???

Black Bear dung is smaller and contains lots of Berries and Squirrel Fur.



Grizzly Bear dung has Little Bells in it and smells like Pepper..

 

[Derek Payne]

I'm glad I'm not Bisexual.


I couldn't stand being Rejected by Men as well as Women.!

 

[Derek Payne]

Just miffed my mate off,

He said he wanted me to smuggle him a Shank into Prison.



How was I suppose to know he didn't mean a Leg of Lamb.

 

[mollag]

Apparently when you spend £5 on a coffee in Costa you get a free mug !
Just stand next to any mirror and you'll see it..........

 

[Derek Payne]

Dublin Zoo has had a problem today with the Monkeys throwing it's Faeces at Visitors.

Eight people have been admitted to hospital, with Turd-Debris Burns.

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[IbrahimAbi]

There were two nuns: One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following them for the past 38 and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.A little while later...SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM : And?
SL : He reached me.SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my habit.SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

 

[Derek Payne]

Me and my wife have decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

* * *

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant

 

[Derek Payne]

BBC BREAKING NEWS :-

Before he leaves Office next week.

Donald Trump says he's going to release the "JFK" files.

He reckons it's time the World got to know.


The Colonel Sanders' secret recipe.

 

[Derek Payne]

Don't you just hate it. When you wake up at 3am in the Morning and think.??



"Shit, I haven't Picked the Kids Up from School yet".

 

[mollag]

I bought a chicken yesterday to make sandwiches, It doesn't and it sh1ts everywhere

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

Big brawl at our local Petrol Station yesterday.


12 people were arrested in "Total".

 

[Jaycey]

 

[Derek Payne]

Monday, Grandad goes to the Boot-Menders to collect his Shoes,

Cobbler says, ''When did you fetch them in mate?''

Grandad says, ''Wednesday, March the 10th 1949''..?!?!?

Cobbler says, "You're having a laugh mate, this shop has changed hands 17 times and we don't keep records, anyway where's your ticket"..??

Grandad opens his Wallet and produces the Ticket in Perfect Condition.

The Cobbler cant believe it, but goes down the Cellar Stairs and searches an hour for the shoes, he comes up the stairs all covered in Cobwebs and Dust with a Pair of Shoes and says to Grandad, ''Is this ''em?''

Grandad says, ''YES'' all excited..



Cobbler says, ''Be ready Friday''

 

[Akasya]

Oldie but Goldie Derek

 

[Derek Payne]

There is now an Eastern European section, in all of the UK major Supermarkets.



It's called 'The Staffroom.'