- Thread starter Derek Payne
- Start date
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
I wondered growing up as a child in a Catholic Irish family.
"Does the Pope pay for his online shopping with his Papal account".
"Does the Pope pay for his online shopping with his Papal account".
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
"Hello, Paddy here. Is that the Undertaker"..???
"Yes Sir, how may I help you"..??
"My Wife's just passed away. Could you please come and retrieve her Body"..?? says Paddy.
"My Condolences, Sir. Where do you Live"..?? asks the Undertaker.
"168 Eucalyptus Drive." Paddy replies.
"Could you spell that out for me, sir"..??
*
"How's 'bout, I just drag her to the Corner of OAK ROAD and you pick her up from there"..??
"Yes Sir, how may I help you"..??
"My Wife's just passed away. Could you please come and retrieve her Body"..?? says Paddy.
"My Condolences, Sir. Where do you Live"..?? asks the Undertaker.
"168 Eucalyptus Drive." Paddy replies.
"Could you spell that out for me, sir"..??
*
"How's 'bout, I just drag her to the Corner of OAK ROAD and you pick her up from there"..??
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Paddy was in his local Dart’s Team.
But he didn't know where to go for a Holiday, once “Lockdown”, was over.
So Mick, put a Map of the World, across the Dart Board.
And Mick told him, wherever his Dart hits, that’s where he would go..??
Paddy had a lovely Two Weeks, sitting by the Skirting Board in the Pub.
But he didn't know where to go for a Holiday, once “Lockdown”, was over.
So Mick, put a Map of the World, across the Dart Board.
And Mick told him, wherever his Dart hits, that’s where he would go..??
Paddy had a lovely Two Weeks, sitting by the Skirting Board in the Pub.
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Paddy driving down the Motorway towing a Trailer, and he gets stopped by the Garda Traffic Police.
The Cop asks Paddy,
"OK, what's in the trailer Paddy"..??
Paddy replies, "Race Horses, cos we be going to the Leopardstown Races".
"But the Trailer's Empty"..?!?!? says the Cop.
"I Know". replies Paddy.
"Dat's cos, I'm taking the Non Runners first".
The Cop asks Paddy,
"OK, what's in the trailer Paddy"..??
Paddy replies, "Race Horses, cos we be going to the Leopardstown Races".
"But the Trailer's Empty"..?!?!? says the Cop.
"I Know". replies Paddy.
"Dat's cos, I'm taking the Non Runners first".
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Paddy walks into a Doctor's surgery and says to the Receptionist.
"I'd like an appointment to see the Doctor please"..??
Receptionist,
"OK, how about 10 tomorrow"..??
Paddy. "Bejaysus Miss, I don't need that many".
"I'd like an appointment to see the Doctor please"..??
Receptionist,
"OK, how about 10 tomorrow"..??
Paddy. "Bejaysus Miss, I don't need that many".
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Hey, Paddy..! How's your new Pet Fish doing.??? You told me he was really something Special"..???
Paddy :- “To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me, said I could teach him to Sing like a Bird”...
Del :- “So let me get this right. You bought a Fish because you thought you could teach him to Sing like a Bird.??? I can't believe it”...!
Paddy :- “Well, yeah. After all, he is a Parrot Fish”..?!?!?
Del :- “I hate to tell you this, Paddy, but while you might be able to teach a Parrot BIRD to Sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a Parrot FISH”...
Paddy :-
*
“That's what you think..! He CAN Sing all right. The thing is, he keeps Singing Off-Key. And it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to Tuna Fish”..???
Paddy :- “To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me, said I could teach him to Sing like a Bird”...
Del :- “So let me get this right. You bought a Fish because you thought you could teach him to Sing like a Bird.??? I can't believe it”...!
Paddy :- “Well, yeah. After all, he is a Parrot Fish”..?!?!?
Del :- “I hate to tell you this, Paddy, but while you might be able to teach a Parrot BIRD to Sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a Parrot FISH”...
Paddy :-
*
“That's what you think..! He CAN Sing all right. The thing is, he keeps Singing Off-Key. And it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to Tuna Fish”..???
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the Pub.
The barman poured him a Beer and asked if he wanted to be in a Raffle..???
"What's It For"..?? asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor Widow with 13 Kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his Head,
"Nah, tis no good for me. Our house is only a 2 Bedder".
The barman poured him a Beer and asked if he wanted to be in a Raffle..???
"What's It For"..?? asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor Widow with 13 Kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his Head,
"Nah, tis no good for me. Our house is only a 2 Bedder".
IbrahimAbi
Grey wisdom
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Paddy watches Murphy filling in his census form. 'What have you put down septagenarian for?' says Paddy.
'Coz oy was born in September' replies Murphy.
'Suppose that makes me an Octagenarian' says Murphy, 'Oy'd better go and lie down'.
'Coz oy was born in September' replies Murphy.
'Suppose that makes me an Octagenarian' says Murphy, 'Oy'd better go and lie down'.
Last edited:
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
Paddy walks into a Doctor's office and the Doctor sits him down.
"OK what's your problem sir"..??
"I'm Half Deaf", Paddy replied.
"That's Ridiculous"..! says the Doc. "You can't be Half Deaf. There's no such thing"..
"Oh Yes There Is". says Paddy.
"OK. OK..! Go down the Hall and I'll shout out a Number and you shout it back"..??
"OK.. !" says Paddy.
When he got to the End of the Hallway the Doctor shouts down.
"88", shouted the Doctor.
"44", Paddy shouts back.
"OK what's your problem sir"..??
"I'm Half Deaf", Paddy replied.
"That's Ridiculous"..! says the Doc. "You can't be Half Deaf. There's no such thing"..
"Oh Yes There Is". says Paddy.
"OK. OK..! Go down the Hall and I'll shout out a Number and you shout it back"..??
"OK.. !" says Paddy.
When he got to the End of the Hallway the Doctor shouts down.
"88", shouted the Doctor.
"44", Paddy shouts back.
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,
"I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....
The Landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy Four Drinks, he'll buy the Fifth Drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your Third Drink after you buy the First Two."
“Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.
"Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the Drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on da House”..?!?!?
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you Paddy"..???
"Not meself, personally, NO," admitted the Irishman,
"BUT"....
*
"It did happen to me Sister, quite a few times."
"I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....
The Landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy Four Drinks, he'll buy the Fifth Drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your Third Drink after you buy the First Two."
“Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.
"Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the Drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on da House”..?!?!?
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you Paddy"..???
"Not meself, personally, NO," admitted the Irishman,
"BUT"....
*
"It did happen to me Sister, quite a few times."
Derek Payne
Member
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor, who after examining him says,
“You have some problems with your Heart, but if you take these Tablets, I think it will be okay..???
“So the Doctor gives the man the Tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day”..???
No,” replies the Doctor,
“Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that".
“Two weeks later the Doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s Wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “How’s your Husband”..???
“Oh, he Died of a Heart Attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the Doctor,
“I thought if he took those Tablets he would be all right"..???
“Oh the Tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody Skipping that killed him”..
“You have some problems with your Heart, but if you take these Tablets, I think it will be okay..???
“So the Doctor gives the man the Tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day”..???
No,” replies the Doctor,
“Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that".
“Two weeks later the Doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s Wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “How’s your Husband”..???
“Oh, he Died of a Heart Attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the Doctor,
“I thought if he took those Tablets he would be all right"..???
“Oh the Tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody Skipping that killed him”..
IbrahimAbi
Grey wisdom
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
That made me laugh out loud, thanks Derek.An Irishman goes to the Doctor, who after examining him says,
“You have some problems with your Heart, but if you take these Tablets, I think it will be okay..???
“So the Doctor gives the man the Tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day”..???
No,” replies the Doctor,
“Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that".
“Two weeks later the Doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s Wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “How’s your Husband”..???
“Oh, he Died of a Heart Attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the Doctor,
“I thought if he took those Tablets he would be all right"..???
“Oh the Tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody Skipping that killed him”..
Derek Payne
Member
Irish & Paddy Jokes.
A Priest, an Alcoholic, and an Irish Engineer are sentenced to Death.
They are to be Killed by the Guillotine.
First is the Priest.
The Executioner says "You can go on the Guillotine either face up or face down"..???
The Priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the Heavens".
So the Priest lies face up.
The Executioner releases the Blade, but the Blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the Priest's neck.
Given the Miracle, the Priest is allowed to walk FREE.
Next comes the Alcoholic.
The executioner offers him the same choice,
"Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?".
The Alcoholic says, "I want to face up, to remember my glorious drinking days".
So the alcoholic lies face up.
The Executioner releases the Blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck.
Given the Miracle, the Alcoholic is allowed to walk FREE.
Finally, it's the Irish Engineer's turn.
Once again, the Executioner offers him the same choice..??
"Face Up or Face Down"..???
The Irish Engineer scratches his Head and says,
"Face Up I Guess".
So the Irish Engineer lies Face UP.
Just as the Executioner is about to release the Blade, the Irish Engineer starts shouting.
*
"WAIT.. WAIT..! Fooking WAIT..! I Found the Problem".
They are to be Killed by the Guillotine.
First is the Priest.
The Executioner says "You can go on the Guillotine either face up or face down"..???
The Priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the Heavens".
So the Priest lies face up.
The Executioner releases the Blade, but the Blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the Priest's neck.
Given the Miracle, the Priest is allowed to walk FREE.
Next comes the Alcoholic.
The executioner offers him the same choice,
"Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?".
The Alcoholic says, "I want to face up, to remember my glorious drinking days".
So the alcoholic lies face up.
The Executioner releases the Blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck.
Given the Miracle, the Alcoholic is allowed to walk FREE.
Finally, it's the Irish Engineer's turn.
Once again, the Executioner offers him the same choice..??
"Face Up or Face Down"..???
The Irish Engineer scratches his Head and says,
"Face Up I Guess".
So the Irish Engineer lies Face UP.
Just as the Executioner is about to release the Blade, the Irish Engineer starts shouting.
*
"WAIT.. WAIT..! Fooking WAIT..! I Found the Problem".
