Humour, Rude not Racist
I got to Work this morning.

And I couldn't give a fuck.

Then. after just One Can of Red Bull,


I couldn't give a Flying Fuck...
 

mollag

Kipper restorer
Humour, Rude not Racist
This is advice from Saoirse, who has asked to remain anonymous.
MALE INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE FOR RELATIONSHIPS.....
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are........
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
A chap in a loo noticed that the guy next to him was spraying multiple jets like a shower head.

"Goodness me" he said, "That must be very inconvenient".

"Yes it is. Unfortunately my mother was very clumsy with the safety pins when putting my nappy on".

"Oh deary-me, but I may be able to help you with that".

"How's that? Are you a surgeon?"

"No, I'm a piccolo player and I can show you how to hold it better".
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
A Robber walks into a Bank and shouts.

"Freeze, give me all your Money..!"

A Brave Customer runs over and Pulls Off the Robber’s Mask and says,

“I've seen your Face Now”..?!?!?

So the Robber shoots him Dead and puts his Ski Mask back on.

"OK, did anyone else see my Face"..???

There's silence for a moment, then a Scouser pipes up,

*


"l think that Ass-Hole in the Man Utd., shirt over there, got a Good Gander"..
 
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