Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
"Hey Dad, on my way home from School earlier.

I saw Santa Claus, beating the shit out of a Man Utd fan, outside a shop”.

"Well Son, I don't know what to say to you, But I'm Totalled Shocked"..



"So am I Dad, I only posted the fucking Letter yesterday".
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
I was at the checkout in LiDL, having a conversation with the bloke in front of me. He stopped to answer his phone, and he suddenly started talking in a posh accent.

When he left, the checkout girl said, "I hate pretentious twats like that, doing things to make themselves look better than they are."

I nodded sheepishly, as I packed my shopping into my Waitrose bag for life.
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.

"I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.

"The University of Life mate!" he replied.

"Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered three kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
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A Man was in a long queue at his local Supermarket.

As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get Condoms..???

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, “What Size Condoms”..???

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Till 5″.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get Condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5″.

A few customers back was this teenage boy.

He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of Sexual Contact with a Woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some Condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said



“Mop and Bucket, till 5"
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes, then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?"

"Your secret is safe with me," I replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Yes", I said, "because I wasn't fucking listening."
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face.

"Cheer up," I said.

"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."

"You're fab," I said.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're mine," I said.

"I know silly!" she chuckled.

"I love you," I said.

"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"

"Marry me," I said.

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"

"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.

"Fuck off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
I was in the pub with my wife last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure babe" I replied, stroking her hair, "What is it?"

She said, "Why are you with me?"

I said, "Because I love you."

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a shit."
 

Frankie T

Member
Humour, Rude not Racist
I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
I phoned my Boss's Mobile.


"I'm on the Train heading to the South Coast now."


"What The Feck..???" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed.


"F. F. S. It's Five O'Clock in the frigging morning”...!


“Anyway, what the hell are you doing on a Train"..???


"You Tell Me," I replied.



"You're the one who told me, to be in Brighton early this morning”!!.
 

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