Kipper restorer
Humour, Rude not Racist
I was driving out of town this morning.
When the missus pointed to a new Building and asked me what it was..??
"That's a Hospice", I told her.
"What's a Hospice"..?? She asked.
"At least a Gallon and a Half" each time.. I told her. (y) (y)
Humour, Rude not Racist
Will the b@stards who Broke into my House yesterday.

And Sprayed,

“Sad, Lonely Fecking Git”, in bright Red Paint, all over my Lounge Wall.


Please return all my Colouring Books, Crayons, Lego and my Action Man figurines collection.

Thank You.!


Kipper restorer
Humour, Rude not Racist
A marriage guidance counsellor asked the missus and I to describe our sex life with a film title
"Gone in sixty seconds" said the missus sarcastically
"Enter the dragon" I replied... 🧐
Humour, Rude not Racist
Someone was waving in my General Direction.

But I wasn't sure.

If they were waving at me or someone behind me so I ignored them.

Anyway. long story short.

I've lost my job as a Lifeguard.
Humour, Rude not Racist
I got fired from the local Pet Shop today.

For punching Air Holes in a Cardboard Box with a Screwdriver.


You're supposed to do it,

Before you put the Little, Fluffy, Bunny, Wunny in the Box..
Humour, Rude not Racist
A 3 Master Ship, was traveling in a dangerous part of the Caribbean Sea.

When the Captain saw a Pirate Ship approaching their vessel.

The Ship's Captain yells to his trusted Lieutenant, “Carruthers, bring me my Red Shirt”.

Lieu., Carruthers brings him his Red Shirt, the Captain puts it on, and leads the Men into Battle.

They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great Victory.

Everyone wonders what the deal is with the Red Shirt, but they just shrug it off..???

A few days later, the Captain sees 2 Pirate Ships in the distance.

He again yells, “Carruthers, bring me my Red Shirt".

Again Carruthers does so, and they fight off the Pirates.

They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are Unharmed.

However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his Red Shirt during the Battles...???

He answers,

“Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale. I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost. Therefore I put on a Red Shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the Shirt.”

A few weeks later, the Ship is traveling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome Pirate Ships, against just his Ship and his depleted crew.

The Captain spots them and yells,


“Brown Pants Carruthers, Brown Pants. Where the fook's my Brown Pants”..??
Humour, Rude not Racist
Joseph and Mary lived in a Barn. Mary had just given Birth to a Baby Boy.

Joseph was a Carpenter by trade but had No Work.

On this particular day, after another Unsuccessful day at the Bethlehem Job Centre, Joseph trudges back to the Barn on his Donkey.

He then notices Three Men on Camels carrying Parcels and they take them into the Barn.

Joseph gets off his Donkey, storms into the Barn and shouts,


"For feck's sake, Mary, we've just had a Baby, I'm Unemployed and you are ordering stuff out of the fucking Catalogue."

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