Humour, Rude not Racist

[Derek Payne]

The Very Rev John Flapps sees a Lady Church Member getting Drunk in the local Pub.

He tries to take her Home.

But they fall on the pub floor and he ends up, on Top of Her.

The Landlord says,

"Oi' mate u can't go doing that in here".

The Reverend replies,

"Sorry you don't understand. I'm Pastor Flapps",

Landlord says,



"Well OK, if your that far in, you may as well Finish".

 

[Jaycey]

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate se*! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active intercourse and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such se* with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous se* any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this.
By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[mollag]

My missus , still not the happiest with sex.
Last night she had multiple sarcasms.......

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have Sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic.

I refused.



If I'm going to have Sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord..!

 

[mollag]

 

[Derek Payne]

Tried the fast reacting Viagra last week.



Didn’t swallow it fast enough and got a stiff neck for four hours.

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

I nearly lost my job as a Roofer.


When my boss caught me masturbating.



Luckily he said, "We could Wipe the Slate Clean"..!

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

I was reading that Jennifer Lopez has her Arse insured for $300 million.



Just wait till she finds out there's a Hole in it.

 

[Derek Payne]

Why do Women have 2 Sets of Lips..??



One for Bitching, and the other set for Apologising.

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[mollag]

Now, I like these two, great stuff I reckon Oh yes, and the two musicians aren't too bad either.
[I'm sure i was wearing a pair of trousers when this video started ]

 

[Derek Payne]

The wife just said to me , "Do you still like the size of my tits..?"


I said, "Yeah, love, it's just the length of them, that worries me...!"

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Jaycey]

 

[bulldogxbmc]