Humour, Rude not Racist
I'm sick and tired of my Wife telling me I'm Childish.

And I need to Grow Up.

If she says it just once more again tonight.

*


I'm gonna feck off down the pub, on my "SpaceHopper".
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
Because of the Covid. I have been drinking a lot,

So when i seen this sign, "If Your An Alcoholic ring this Number", SoI rang it.


It was my bloody Off Licence.
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
I was expecting the Missus to give me some sh1t last night,


After getting home late from the Pub.


Luckily enough for me, though,


She'd already Fed it to the Dog..
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
I bought a "Ouija Board", recently from a strange old man.

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt..

"I’VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU"..??

"What is your message"..???’ I asked.

"YOU SHOULD BE DANCING"..??

Fear started flushing over me, "Why should I be Dancing"..???

"NIGHT FEVER"..??

I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. "You’re talking frigging gibberish", I shouted at it..!

"JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE"…?!?!?

"F. F. S."..! I shouted.



"That crazy old bastard, has gone an sold me a Bee Gee board"..!
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
Horses from Syria have been trying to slip into the country illegally.



The UK Border Control Agency, have been given the task of dealing with the Refu-Gee-Gees.
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
140319043_242666230570259_1047252732821914308_n.jpg


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University..

On a Hike through the African Bush, he came across a young Bull Elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the Elephant's Foot, and found a large piece of Wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the Wood out with his Knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The Elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being Trampled.

Eventually the Elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged Son. As they approached the Elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large Bull Elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The Elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the Man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the SAME Elephant..???

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The Elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its Trunk around one of Peter's Legs and slammed him against the Railing, killing the poor fecker instantly.

Probably WASN'T the Same fecking Elephant..?!?!?
*

This is for everyone who sends me those Heart-Warming Bullsh1t Stories.
 
Humour, Rude not Racist
I went on a Date once, with a Blonde Woman.

"Do you have any Kids"..??? she asked me.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have One Child, that's just under Two."

She said,


*
"Listen ya AssHole. I might be Blonde, cos I know how many One is".. 1f923.png
 

Latest Posts

Top Bottom