Kipper restorer
Humour, Rude not Racist


Humour, Rude not Racist
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Humour, Rude not Racist
Just had a go on a Ouija Board.

I asked it, "Will i get a feck this month"..???

The arrow moved to H then A...

And this has been going on for over an hour now..
Humour, Rude not Racist
Stick out your tongue.

Move it up, move it down.


Stick out your tongue.

Move it to the left, move it to the right.


Close your left eye. Open your left eye.


Close your right eye. Open your right eye.


Repeat three times.


You've just completed the new Stephen Hawking Easter workout DVD...


Grey wisdom
Humour, Rude not Racist
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Humour, Rude not Racist

One passenger of the Ethiopian Air Crash actually survived.

But, unfortunately for him, he fell from the plane, straight into a Crocodile infested river.

But when Emergency Helpers got to him, it was all too late..

Cos, he’d already eaten 6 Crocs..
Humour, Rude not Racist
Stevie Wonder - 7 kids.

David Blunkett - 5 kids.

Ray Charles - 12 kids.

I think it's safe to say, it's not w@nking that makes you go Blind.

Stevie Wonder ... gave him a cheesegrater for his birthday ... he said this is a bloody boring book;

Used to be a driving instructor. Had to fail a leper, he left his foot on the clutch.

Drum roll not eye rolls please

It's the way I tell em
Humour, Rude not Racist
Im ashamed to say, I went to a blow job bar in Thailand once with a couple of mates. Shady place.

I said, how much? They said 100 Baht an inch.

So we all went in, and on the way out I said to my friends, they charge by the inch, how much did u pay?

Dave said "I paid 700 baht".

John said smugly, "I paid 800".

I said "I only paid 250".

"How come?"

Me - "I paid on the way out"

Boom boom


Kipper restorer
Humour, Rude not Racist
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d let rip a Donald [Trump] on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened
“People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

Latest Posts

Top Bottom