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zozatky

Member
February Joke Thread
From: Charles O'Flynn
Subject: Message From HM The Queen to the Merkins

To the citizens of the United States of America, from Her Most Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)...


1. ...then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You may be surprised at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise' and remember there is no such a word as ‘theater’, only ‘theatre’. Similar words, such as ‘centre’ will also require your attention. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels, (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. You may use ``eh`` like the Canadians, however you must stop pronouncing Canada, Canader, and Cuba, Cuber. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. 4th July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK pricing on petrol, (which you have been calling gasoline), of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are more properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are, pound for pound, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as ‘good guys’. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Although Renée Zellweger and Johnny Depp both do a passable job, watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience somewhat akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of effete homosexuals). Don't try rugby straightaway - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, as they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played widely outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed Kennedy. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, (backdated to 1776).
16. High Tea, or Tiffin, begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers; mugs will not be tolerated. Tea will be served with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; scones with strawberry jam and clotted cream may be an alternative). Fresh English strawberries to accompany when in season.


God Save the Queen!
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
Re: Letter from the Queen to the USA

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
 

barry budd

QPR MAN
February Joke Thread
Re: Letter from the Queen to the USA

good one
 
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gerald

Member
February Joke Thread
Life on the road

lifeontheroad.jpg
 

Big Paul

Moved at last
February Joke Thread
New Raised Terror Alerts!!!!


In response to recent terrorist threats England has raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may
be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*stards".
They don't have any other levels.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans meanwhile have increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They
also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are
worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready
to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at any previous Spanish navy.


New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from
"baaa" to "BAAAA!”. New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather
together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all
right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "B*gger, I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and as a last resort, "Pass me a
tinnie". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


America meanwhile is carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies. Just in case.
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
Beware the Older Woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was 'my lucky night', so we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...



"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
ssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
February Joke Thread
Re: Letter from the Queen to the USA

The new **** in the hen house was quick to give each hen a a taste of loving. All but one that is. Hannah the hen was left unsatisfied and yearning, but each time the **** passed her he would rip out one of her hind feathers.

Finally she snapped from the emotional pressure and yelled: "You limp ****! Why do you make love to all the other hens whilst all you do to me is rip out my feathers?!" "Darling", he whispered, "I love you passionately, but I want you naked as we make love!":flame:
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
ssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
 

Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
February Joke Thread
The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a
soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of b***s....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
 
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Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal ..
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly,there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ?
No one has ever done it before !'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.'
 

tjd

Member
February Joke Thread
Two women were playing golf, one teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.....

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
February Joke Thread
I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.

I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.
 
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