Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
December Joke Thread
I knew a girl that was so stupid
that.......
she called me to get my phone number.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange
juice box because it said 'concentrate.'

She put lipstick on her forehead because
she wanted to make up her mind.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical
order.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long
she slept.

She asked for a price check at the £1
store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home, she moved

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the
22 bus twice instead.

When she took you to the airport and saw a
sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around
and went home.
 
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December Joke Thread
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carol's.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
 

zozatky

Member
December Joke Thread



Don't tell me your age; you would probably tell a lie anyway -but the Acohol Man will know! YOUR AGE BY ALCOHOL MATHS

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have alcohol (more than once but less than 10)




2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)





3. Add 5





4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator





5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ...
If you haven't, add 1758.





6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number









The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have alcohol each week).


The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK,
 

LeylanTiger

Member
December Joke Thread
Paddy takes his goldfish back complaining it suffers from epilepsy,shop owner says it looks calm enough to me,paddy says u av'nt taken it out the fekkin bowl yet!
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
 

Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
December Joke Thread
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

:wow: :34:
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
 

ted j

Member
December Joke Thread
We've just got one of those new microwave beds. I can get 8hours sleep in 4 minutes
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
 

mallin

mal mc cullough
December Joke Thread
an old virgin lady marries an old gentleman.on their wedding night as they slip in to bed the action begins to hot up.
the man reaches inside her old grey bra and pulls out the right boob.he lets it go and it flops down to the right hand side of the bed.he decides to try the other one.again on removing it from the old grey bra it flops down to the left hand side of the bed.
not getting too excited he moves his hand southwards and as it massages just below the belly button and above the nether region she puts her hand on his and says
i have been to the doctors today and i have to warn you he says i have acute angina......thank feck for that says he cos your tits are for feck all............
 

zozatky

Member
December Joke Thread
A day at the races
A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
love Making Tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... > You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
Life is short,
Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made
you smile.
 

Harem

I've cliqued
December Joke Thread
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
 

zozatky

Member
December Joke Thread
BOB



Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club..

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her..

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only “fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried.
 

zozatky

Member
December Joke Thread
Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me
life! Between the legs of me wife!'

What won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
 

Yalides

Am I pretty ?
December Joke Thread
Man goes to a gypsy and asks for a 40 year curse be removed from him. The gypsy says " ok, but you have to tell me the exact words of the original spell put on you"

"thats easy" the man replies " I now pronounce you man and wife!!"
 
December Joke Thread
Santa in his garden.....Hoe hoe hoe.

Where does Santa go for a break on the 26th?....A ho ho ho tel.

Santa will be wearing orange this year and will be known as Fanta Clause.

All dept store Santa`s have a claus in their contract.

All Santas get the sack once a year.

Hope this link works...if not type it in...its good and 99% clean!
When it asks for your name, just put in your first name. Watch it all and you'll find out why.



Make sure you have the sound on - something to put a smile on your face!

http://www.busybus.co.uk/design/xmas_santa.swf
 

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