Andy

Senior Member
August Joke Thread
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.

"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking,

the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,

but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts You have given me.

The middle one pushes the other two out

and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,

catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.

They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God,

"But it was My first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts,

so I figured that you needed only half of those,

but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast

and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is My favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.

You see, all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.

All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate

and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that rubbish about the rib?
 

Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
August Joke Thread
DADDY - HOW WAS I BORN?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...








'You got Male!
 

Alan Fidler

Ceteris paribus
August Joke Thread
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.
Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
 

zuberdust

IM THE BESTEST :)
August Joke Thread
a dog walked into an Irish pub, the dog saw a Scottish cat , the both said hello...
 

tykatem

Available in sarcastic to
August Joke Thread
GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss

The room went silent. No other children volunteered GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
 

Alan Fidler

Ceteris paribus
August Joke Thread
and..........

:77wu::77wu::77wu: you read my mind Lesley..:hehe:

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 

EVELYNNE

evelynne
August Joke Thread
Words for Women to Live By…


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tyres or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
 

EVELYNNE

evelynne
August Joke Thread
Why wedding dresses are white....

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS

IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and repliess:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 

Big Paul

Moved at last
August Joke Thread
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
 

zuberdust

IM THE BESTEST :)
August Joke Thread
the joke i posted was sent to me by someone els! and i just burst out laughing! the whole point of the joke it it starts off as one of those irish jokes but ends with such obviousness that there is no joke!.... thats the joke! ahahahahaahhah looooooooool!!
 

Andy

Senior Member
August Joke Thread
Marriage Conclusion

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 

pineapple1

I Love Kleopatra Beach !
August Joke Thread
Michael & Patrict were in the Bar
I would'nt go to America if you paid me Saiid Michael .
Why not asked Patrict
Well for one thing they drive on the wrong side of the road there .
And whats wrong with that inquired Patrict
Well said Michael I tried it the other day in Dublin
And it was Terrible
 

EVELYNNE

evelynne
August Joke Thread
I don't think you missed anything ...... zuber thought it was hilarious !!. Im just confused , !!!!
 

Sunny Seasider

Life is so precious
August Joke Thread
Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
 

LeylanTiger

Member
August Joke Thread
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only
aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone
was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft
man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing
the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let
it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


SEE BELOW !

.

.

Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
 
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zozatky

Member
August Joke Thread
Congratulations!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE :-

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, or Subway.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
!
 
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zozatky

Member
August Joke Thread
update on ciderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly- her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful ~the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned-in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry

you had Me

neutered...
 
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