April Jokes '21.
Three Women, One Engaged, One Married and One a Mistress,

Were having a Coffee and chatting about the state of there rather Stale Relationships.

They decided to surprise their Men that night, by wearing Bondage-Style Leather Bodices, Stilettos and Masks.
A week later they meet again to compare notes.

The Engaged Girlfriend says,

“The other night when my boyfriend came back home he found me with the leather bodice, six inch stilettos and mask. He took one look at me and said: You are fantastic, I love you— then we made love all night long.”

The Mistress says,

“Me too: the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice huge stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, he didn’t say much..... but we had wild sex all night.”

The Married Woman says,

“I sent the kids to stay at my Mother’s. I got myself ready :- leather bodice, six inch stilettos, mask, the works".

"My husband came back from work, opened the door and said:

*


"Hiya Batman, what's for Dinner”..??? 1f642.png
 

merpip

Happy Member
April Jokes '21.
A teacher asks the class to make up a sentence beginning with "I".

She goes around the class getting the predictive "I have a cat."
"I went to the shops."
"I have a bicycle."
"I went to my Gran's" etc.....

She comes to little Mary who begins. "I is.....
At that the teacher cut's little Mary off and interrupts. "I am!"
Little Mary gives her a sideways glance, sighs and begins again. "I is...
Again the teacher cuts he off and snaps back.
"Mary, it's I am."
Little Mary, stares at the teacher, sighs and exasperated restarts and says. "I AM the ninth letter of the alphabet!"
 
April Jokes '21.
A Man lays sprawled across three entire Seats at a posh Theatre.

Before the show has even started, an Usher walks by and notices the Man.

“Sir, you're only allowed One Seat, can you please sit up"..???

The Man groans, but stays where he is.

The Usher becoming impatient with the Man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my Manager involved”.?

Again the Man just groans, which infuriates the usher so he marches off to get the manager.

In a few moments he returns with the Manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the Manager calls the Police.

A Police Officer arrives and approaches the Man, “OK sir, what's your name"..??

"Sam", the man moans.

"And where you from Sam"..??

With pain in his voice Sam replied,



"The friggin Balcony".
 
April Jokes '21.
You have to feel for all these Shoplifters in Tesco's.?



I can't being to imagine, how many Clubcard Points they're missing out on.??
 
April Jokes '21.
Just as I thought Life was getting better,

I was saddened when I found out Sir David Jones,

The inventor of the first Time Machine had Died.




R.I.P. Sir David Jones 1974-1546.
 

Jaycey

African Refugee
April Jokes '21.
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….
 
April Jokes '21.
There was once a Hat-Seller who passed by a Forest on his way back from the Market.

The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole Basket of Hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up by some Sounds.

The next thing he realised was that all his Hats was gone..?!?!?

He heard some Monkeys on the Tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the Tree was Full of Monkeys and they had taken all his Hats.

The Hat-Seller sits down and think of how he can get the Hats back down..??

He think and think and start scratching his Head.

The next moment, he realised that the Monkeys were doing the same action.

Next, he took down his own Hat and saw the Monkeys do exactly the same.

An idea came to him, he took his Hat and throw it on the Floor and the Monkeys do that too.

So it worked, and he finally managed to get all his Hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a Hat-Seller and had heard this Monkey story from his Grandfather.

One day, just like his Grandfather, he passed by the same Forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the Hats on the floor.

He woke up and realised that all his Hats were gone.

He looked up and realised that the Monkeys had taken all the Hats.

But luckily, he remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the Monkeys follows.

He took down his Hat and fanned himself and again the Monkeys followed.

Now, very convinced of his Grandfather's idea, JACK threw his Hat on the Floor but to his surprise, the Monkeys still held on to all the Hats.

Then One Monkey climbed down the Tree, grabbed the Hat on the Floor, then he gave him a slap and said,




"You think you're the only one, who has a Grandfather"..??
 

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