April Jokes '21.

[mollag]

A repost of a mispost.
Us poor old Athiests are pretty much left out at Easter So I thought, Why not be a God Botherer for just the Easter Period I mean, there are loads of instant Irishmen on Patrick's day, so I did a googly look for a suitable nonsense to become for the long weekend, here are my choices. Rasta looking favorite.

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[IbrahimAbi]

 

[yalimart]

 

[merpip]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year.” Said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit.” Replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it.” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, £150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is £23,400.00. A bartender cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
Nobody under there now.”

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[mollag]

 

[mollag]

The Americans have revived a caveman who was frozen in ice for ten thousand years. Conversation has so far been limited to monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman remains optimistic that he can teach the Americans to communicate.........

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Jaycey]

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce. He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me.

The Divorce Court

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Jaycey]

The best Jewish jokes are told by Jews...

 

[merpip]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening:
The old man looked over and said to the old lady.
"I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you in the rocker."
The old lady looked surprised,but didn't say a word.

The old man continued. "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?” Says the old man.
"Get serious." She replies. "Four times in the rocker!"

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Chasey]

View attachment 21685

Simple

ENOUGH

 

[Derek Payne]

 

[Chasey]

I was watching TV with my kids and a man was being interviewed about the state of the internet.

Who is that? My daughter asked

Tim Berners-Lee I said

Whose he? said my daughter

He invented the internet, I said

My daughter fell about laughing and said Oh dad dont be so stupid??????

I guess to a 24 year old whos been brought up with the net they simply cant believe it didn't exist (in its current form) 25 years ago

 

[merpip]

A Chinese man went to Kenya and got in a taxi at Nairobi airport:

On his way he saw a bus, he told the taxi driver, that, in Kenya buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.
After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging Kenya. However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare thereon.
The taxi driver replied. "It is Ksh.10,000/-."

The Chinese was shell shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted. "Are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"
To this the taxi driver replied calmly......
"Sir, the meter is made in China!"

 

[Derek Payne]