A Husband went to the Cardiff Central Police Station to file a "Missing Person" report for his missing Wife:
Husband: I've lost my Wife, she went Shopping and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: What is her Height..???
Husband: I've never Checked..?!?!?
Inspector: Slim or Healthy ?.
I got totally wrecked last night.
So before I went into work today, I brushed my teeth and ate loads of mints so nobody could smell alcohol on my breath.
Despite this, my boss told me to get off the premises until I sobered up.
"How did you know I was still p1ssed"..?? I asked him
I was recently, in a Posh Restaurant in Paris, close to the Eiffel Tower.
And after surveying the vast selection of great dishes, I finally decided to order the 'Napoleon Chicken.'
When the Dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little Meat on it, as it was mainly just Chicken Carcass.
A Drunk Man who smelled like Stale Beer sat down on a Subway next to a Priest.
The Drunk Man's tie was Stained, his Face was plastered with Smudged Red Lipstick, and a half-empty Bottle of Gin was sticking out of his Torn Coat Pocket.
He opened his Newspaper and began Reading.
After a few...
On the first day of College,
The University Dean addressed all the Students, pointing out some of the more important Rules.
"The Female Dormitory will be Out-of-Bounds for ALL Male Students, and likewise, the Male Dormitory to the Female Students.
Anybody caught Breaking this Rule will be...
A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend.
Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the Window to see a huge Beast just outside.
He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend,
"Och, lad, what's that?" The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a Moose."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I...
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks...
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are...
My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a Train when we were both young men.
"John," I said. "Can you Imagine all the people sharing all the world"..???
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said,
"One day I might just write a Song about this...
A Large Woman wearing a Sleeveless Dress walked into a Bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge Hairy Armpit as she pointed to all the people at the bar and asked ,
“Which man here will buy a Lady a Drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end...
A Guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling Wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is Golden. It’s got huge Golden...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an lift)...
In rural Ireland until recently Paddy McNee was making and selling Chicken Burgers.
These became very popular due to the taste, an old family secret Recipe passed down through the generations.
And before long Paddy had to expand his manufacturing operations to keep up with demand..
As my Wife and I were leaving for a Night Out.
The Baby-Sitter told us, "To take as long as we like".
That was over five years ago now.
I sometimes sit here and wonder, how she's enjoying being a Parent.???